Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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