Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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