someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
