Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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