my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I lost the right to judge tonight
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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