Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
