In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win