Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know