You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?