I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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