Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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