FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
