Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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