my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
