my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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