found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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