I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
