he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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