News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
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