P.S. I can't hear my feet
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
