So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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