Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
