trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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