The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
me + whiskey = a bad person
Everyone says I win the strip club
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
