I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
