Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
