What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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