Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
