that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
