Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
