It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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