I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
