dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize