I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
