So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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