I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
