It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
