She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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