Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
