Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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