im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
