Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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