Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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