How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
