Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
