ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
