Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
