I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
