Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Couch. On fire.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
