We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
