Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
