I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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