god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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