Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
