He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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