I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
