I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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