i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
