woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
