So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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