I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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