She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
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I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
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Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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