Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
